Mothers and Daughters - PT383

We're complicated

I wrote this the week after Alex graduated from Texas Tech. It wasn’t ready to publish then, and probably isn't now, but here it goes.

---

Four years ago, I experienced a break-up. A growth pain. I had to let someone go. Let them fly. Trust the world. Prayed they were adequately prepared for the next stage – college. It was a brutal release, but I got through it, and as a mom with a daughter, we survived. We discovered how to navigate my worry, or, as Bill refers to it, my moments of escalating absurdity.

We communicated and discussed the “I feel this way” to her “Well, I feel different” way. I prayed. And I prayed. I explained why I worried, and we found a way to co-exist. We each discovered a sense of independence as Alex managed my stalking with cryptic texting throughout the day, which provided my required proof of life.

“Whatcha doing?” I’d ask.

“Watching TV?” popped back.

“Where are you?” I’d tap.

“Class,” came back.

“You good?” I poked.

“Yah,” she’d say.

And finally, so I could sleep, I waited for the exchange of “love you” as the final goodnight. But when morning came.

“You up?”

And off we’d go again.

She was patient with me. Knew to some degree that, as her mother, I needed it. I appreciated it so much because I understood her side of the story. I, too, am a daughter.

The dichotomy of the two roles is perplexing. It's constant head banter.

Why won’t Alex share things? Tell me what she’s doing?

“You didn’t share much and never told your mother what you were doing?”

Why won’t A hang out with me?

“How much time do you carve out for Mom?”

Why does she get so frustrated with me?

“Are you really speaking to Barbara like that?”

“Alex, where are you?”

“Kimberly, where are you?”

“Mom, I'm fine!”

As a mother, I worry like Mom. As a daughter, I act like Alex.

It’s a beautiful circle when I sit and ponder it. The generational lines of three women, all experiencing the same role at some point in their lives, or so we pray they are blessed to do.

I am smack dab in the middle of mine. I am both mother and daughter, interacting with both a mother and a daughter in very different stages of life. How do I navigate these new stages with my adult Alex? I know both sides of the journey. One stage is well-traveled, and the other is in its infancy. I am unsure of the example I will set. Aging is an adaptation to role reversals, and often, mothers and daughters seem to fight it.

The college years are indeed prep years, but for moms. They are God’s gift. Time away from the mother-child relationship. This allows us to prepare for the next transition. The stage where, while they are still ours, they will be fully independent in a very short time.

We dream of the day they soar, find their groove, and make a crew. Friends that surround them, care for them, watch their backs, and help them grow. And when you see those milestones hit on a graduation celebration weekend, you understand the final break is coming. Barreling at you, and it’s a tad bit scary. Unnerving. Makes me realize the importance of navigating the merging streams of parent and child. If I can be kinder to Mom and not as smothering to Alex, I might pave a better way for A.

Mothers and daughters. We push and pull. We like and dislike. We comment and stay silent. We’re complicated. It’s survival of the fittest. Who is more stubborn? Who is more selfish? Who guilts or is guilt-ridden?

Who sits in the chair of hypocrisy in the center of it all?

At this stage in life, I guess it’s me. The one in the middle. The one who can’t be upset when child does to her what she does to mom. But I am also the thankful one. The grateful one. The one who is blessed to have both, and I am prayerful that when we find ourselves in whatever role we find ourselves, we’ll do our best to not make it so complicated.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Ephesians 4:32 (ESV)

Have a beautiful week. This is a reminder that Ponder This comes out on Wednesday mornings. Look for us in your inbox or on the Substack App. And remember:

“Pondering is everything, and everything is worth pondering.” - Kim Knights

Love you both!