The Break Up - Revisited

Hope for Freshman moms

Kim Knights

Sep 01, 2023

“Mom, would you sit in on one of my therapy calls?” Alex asked.

“Okay,” I said. “Am I in trouble?”

Proverbs 23:22 (ESV) - Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.

As a reference point, here is the original post – written on Feb. 15, 2022 – The Break-Up

It's that time again. I'm seeing the decorated dorm Facebook posts. Stories of move-ins, bid days, the first day of class pictures, and other exciting next-stage experiences. I know the yin and yang of what is about to be felt by college Freshman parents.

Alex and I broke up two years ago. Texas Tech wooed her away from me. It wasn't easy. We both shared an excitement of the new journey she was beginning. I saw it as a launch into her adulthood, and I think she saw it as a way to get away from me and become her own person. Manage her responsibilities. Be independent. Grow.

But the silence of our house was deafening. There were no footsteps above my head. Or an iPhone alarm clock locked in constant snooze mode. There was no sense of how her day was going. Her classes? Who was she meeting? Was she having fun? Did she at least miss me?

In retrospect, I thought I was going off to college with her. I anxiously awaited the texts and phone calls to seek my advice or share the names of people she met. But I found my phone silent. Sometimes, the only glimpse I had into her world was her precious face on a Life360 screen or a credit card purchase alert.

The information sharing was sparse and reluctantly given up. It revealed that my daughter can withstand interrogation and be a well-trusted vault of silence. I rode a see-saw of loneliness and happiness. Sometimes, it felt like I was strapped into an out-of-control roller coaster, prisoner to the ups and downs, slow climbs to perilous dives, hard corners, and immediate stops. But as with most amusement park rides, I kept getting on. Each ride moved the expectation bar. I adapted to the unknown thrills and began to embrace the rush of it all. Occasionally, I even threw my hands in the air.

Over the summer, we celebrated A's 21st birthday. Through the gift of a long dinner, our conversation was inciteful and entertaining. My baby girl was an adult. The little growth spurts, family-changing dynamics, and emotional bouts from the past two years had shifted our relationship to a new place. A beautiful place. One where we both function, respecting each other's space, allowing the other to grow towards new suns, sprouting new stems that are flourishing.

Alex’s requested therapy session was just another growth spurt of many from our past two years. Slowly, through texts and calls, we managed to move forward. She is all I ever prayed for, and now, though still very hard, I am sitting back and watching her grow fully into her. Setting my insecurities and selfishness aside — I am still frightful — I am releasing her to the protection of God and His mighty angels, who, through my prayers, keep her shielded behind their angelic wings.

In my journey, I had to understand that whatever I shared, said, told, or did was recognized as an offering of my love, not a statement of my doubt. It's hard releasing the most precious thing created into a world that scares me. It's hard for her to decipher that my concerns about the world are not my opinions and doubts about her. My inquiries are not an interrogation of her life but a management of my anxieties.

Freshman moms - this time is hard. The next few months and years are give and take. A lot of communication, thousands of "I love yous." Quite a few, “I’m sorries.” Discernment to know that some of the issues are not the kid’s issues, but moms. I now strive to remind my A of all she is doing right, not what I hope she would do better.

While in high school, Alex asked me one day, "Mom, when will our relationship change? Be more like friends instead of mom and daughter?"

I took a beat and responded, "Baby, we will only always be mother and daughter. But we will grow into two independent adults who like each other, respect one another, and live independently."

Then I paused, "But we're not there yet."

We are close, though.

The Bible instructs us to honor our parents in all stages of life. The hierarchy is there and does not change because we age out. The dynamic can shift. Alex and I will walk side by side, woman to woman, respecting each other's decisions. I will offer my years of experience as a well of knowledge to draw from, should she decide to lower the bucket. She will teach me to experience life as a privileged observer with a front-row seat to one of God's most precious creations. A place all moms long to be when we can release the vice of "mom."

Proverbs 22: 6 (ESV) – Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Alex and I survived our first break up, or as a friend offered from the original post, we survived the remodel. It was bumpy, but the fresh coat of paint and structural changes have made a stronger home. Launching a kid into adulthood is like slapping a ball of clay on the table. As we both tug and pull at each other, we mold pieces of art that fit well in our newly renovated space.

I know we never broke up, but the sudden change, the different interactions, and the absence were as abrupt as a break-up. I tell Alex that life is full of growth spurts, and I’m telling all new college moms this is a big one. It aches a bit. But we all know that growth is good. And it helps if you have a dog too. I won’t lie.